- Prepare a speech that opens and closes with humorous stories
- Include jokes in the speech body to illustrate points or maintain audience interest
- Deliver the jokes and stories smoothly and effectively
I had collected several jokes about dental hygiene, but was having trouble putting a speech together. The Swine Flu was starting to take over the airwaves and blogoshere and we recieved an email at work concerning that subject. I decided to change the topic to the Swine Flu. I went out of my way (okay, I lied), and the meeting agenda showed that I would be delivering a speech to inform. Only the Toastmaster and the Evaluator were aware (in advance) that I was giving a humorous speech. I wrote an introduction for the Toastmaster which made it seem as if I was giving a speech on the evolution of philosophic argument. I figured anything would be a welcome relief from that subject. I'm including the introduction and the outline of the speech.
The opening and closing went essentially as scripted and rehearsed. Since I tried not to refer to the script, the body of the delivered speech had a good bit more detail and varied a bit from the outline, below. The jokes and quotes all were included in the appropriate sections. Items appearing in brackets [] were essentially stage directions for myself.
Introduction: Greg is a Sr Security Admin Analyst in the Security Administration department. He has been a Toastmaster for over ten years. He currently holds the office of VP Public Relations in our club. He'll be presenting his 31st manual speech which I understand is about the history of the dialectic method from Socratic to Marxist. The speech title is Purely Philosphic... Greg...
[opening joke]
A great Soviet general was once asked by his aide, "Comrade General, what is the meaning of Marxist dialectic?"
The general replied, "I will explain it to you with an example.
A filthy man is standing outside a bath house. Will he go in?"
"Of course," replied the aide.
"No, you're wrong," said the general. "A filthy man is filthy by his nature, and will not go in to the bath house. Only clean men, knowing the virtues of cleanliness, will bathe."
"I understand, comrade general."
"Now, let me give you another example. A filthy man is standing outside a bath house. Will he go in?"
"Absolutely not," replied the aide immediately.
"You're wrong again," said the general. "Why should a filthy man not enter a bath house? He is dirty, the bath house is there to enable him to become clean, and he will use it."
"I think I understand, comrade."
"Now, one last example: A filthy man is standing outside a bath house. Will he go in?"
"How the hell should I know?"
"Now, comrade, you truly understand the meaning of Marxist dialectic."
[actual opening]
Mr. Toastmaster, fellow Toastmasters and future Toastmasters, several days ago as I was writing this speech which was initially going to be about the benefits of dental hygiene, the news stories about the swine flu were just beginning to circulate. Then on Monday, our company sent all of us an email concerned with protecting your health and that of your co-workers. So, you can all relax. Rather than engage in purely philosophical polemics, I thought I’d review several practical protective steps laid out in that email.
- Cover your face when you sneeze or cough
- Wash your hands frequently
- Avoid touching your eyes, nose or mouth
- Stay home if you have a fever, sore throat or runny nose
- And be sure to see your doctor if you have flu-like symptoms
[body]
The first three steps are things your mother likely taught you or you learned as a child.
Cover your face when you sneeze or cough
This simple step will help prevent the virus from being transmitted. It’s better if you sneeze into a Kleenex, napkin or something like that, but please cover your mouth. Don’t sneeze on your hand and use that hand to open the door.
Wash your hands frequently
Again, this is very simple advice that you should have learned as a child. Not everyone follows the earlier advice about not touching things after sneezing or coughing on their hands. Use soap and water or an alcohol based sanitizer to remove the germs from your hands.
If your Mother was like mine, she always made us take a bath after school let out.
Not every day.
Every June.
Avoid touching your eyes, nose or mouth
This third simple step will help prevent any germs you have picked up on your hands from infecting you. There aren’t many germs that can enter your body through healthy skin. Just use simple caution and think before touching your eyes, nose and mouth.
A teacher asked little Johnny to complete the old proverb, Cleanliness is next to … [wait for audience to say godliness]
“Impossible”, said Johnny!
The fourth step is for those of you who are workaholics, or who really don’t consider the health of the rest of us.
Stay home if you have a fever, sore throat or runny nose
Don’t spread germs needlessly. Work from home, if you can. Phone it in. We like you, but we really do not want to share your misery. Contrary to your heroic vision of yourself, we do not admire your stoicism. Stay home.
I saw this internet post (and tweet) from SQL guru Denis Gobo on Monday:
Remember!!! You can't get swine flu from your cyberfriends
Finally,
Be sure to see your doctor if you have flu-like symptoms
Don’t try to tough it out. Get help and advice from a professional.
Don’t help an outbreak become an epidemic and develop into a pandemic, which is simply the definition of a worldwide epidemic.
[Closing]
While the story at the beginning of my speech is humorously close to my actual understanding of the Marxist dialectic, the real purpose of my speech was to urge you to protect your health and the health of your co-workers with several simple steps.
Remember the three steps you Mother taught you.
• Cover your mouth when you sneeze or cough
• Wash your hands frequently
• Avoid touching your eyes, nose or mouth
The fourth step:
• Stay home if you have a fever, sore throat or runny nose
And the final step
• Be sure to see your doctor if you have flu-like symptoms
[closing joke]
Last night, I was talking to my neighbor, Dr. [name changed], and she told me about her visit from the plumber to fix a clogged drain.
He was there just under fifteen minutes, cleared her drain and presented her with a bill for $200.
She said, "$200 for just a few minutes of work? I’m a doctor and I don’t make that kind of money."
The plumber replied, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
[pause]
Mr. Toastmaster...
